I can honestly say this period in my life has been the most difficult I've ever faced...and I've been through a lot.
We all have our own stories, but when you tell your story to countless number of individuals, and every person you talk to has the same look on their face of absolute jaw-dropping amazement or terror (depending on what their worst fears might be), it's a safe bet that your life has suffered more hardships than most. Especially when those looks are followed by the same sentence, every time.
"You should write a book."
Hmm. I should, I will, I am actually. A few books. Nonfiction (about me) and fiction (not about me, obviously). I have a lot of time on my hands, so when I'm not diligently applying for jobs or going on interviews or praying for miracles, I think. I just sit and think. A lot. And then I write. Every day.
I don't talk to a lot of people, mostly because there's no one to talk to. I'm not working, I'm not in school, and I won't be able to even look at a graduate program to enter until I'm working and can establish my residency. So, there are no networks of people to create yet. I'd love to get back in a church just to meet people who wouldn't look at me cross-eyed if I mention that I pray and have faith in a God that most people my age and younger seem to think is on par with Santa or the Easter Bunny, but even there it would be lonely. Can you imagine what I would answer if a guy or gal in the row in front of me turns around to shake my hand "hello" and then asks what I do? Because isn't that the first thing out of everyone's mouth, oh I'm such-and-such and I work here, what do you do?
Uh, nothing.
Blank stare. Turns back around, I now have leprosy and won't be talked to again until I come back as a card-carrying member of the American Working Public.
When you're an outgoing individual, someone who really likes making other people feel good about themselves and likes hanging out with friends more than anything else, it's not easy being alone. Like I said, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't have a network of support to get my bills paid, or get charged up again mentally/emotionally through talk, or touch, or time spent with others. I can't just distract myself so easily from any problems that pop up when there is no one but me left to deal with those problems. No, it really is just me. There is no one but me.
It's a funny thing when you are left alone with yourself. You learn so much you didn't want to know. The dark parts you never saw before, the parts you wouldn't want anyone else to know exist. You see all of your faults magnified under a critical glass of self-doubt. Anything bad that happens feels ten times worse because you don't have anyone to share the burden with.
But eventually, all that stuff falls off. You're stripped down to your core, and you start to build yourself back up. Kind of like being in basic training, beaten down, feeling like nothing, and then slowly developing a sense of purpose and character you always thought you had but never had to put to use before.
That's how I feel anyway. I realize that I'm determined to make this new start work, and I don't have time for all the crap other people are doing. Like flirting and trying to start a relationship. Or partying or drinking or spending time on idle pursuits that won't do anything to enhance my future. Time is running out, and I don't have any to kill.
I'm just out to find my path, find myself. When I do, I want to like where I'm going and the person I'm traveling with, especially since she's me.
