I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ~Jesus Christ~
It's time to change up the blog. It's been awhile since I've written. Most of my days have been spent doing routinely the same things. Things like looking for a job, and looking for a job, and then looking for a job. Mostly because I used to be scared of not getting a job and becoming poor and a nobody.
And then I realized something. I already am poor! Let's see, I haven't pulled in a paycheck since January and my savings are nearly gone from just surviving in a place that is foreign to me. And I received a letter in the mail eight weeks ago telling me that I had defaulted on my mortgage and payments were late. Strange, but I remember a divorce happening at the beginning of 2009 and an agreement being reached in which I forfeited all rights and claims to the house and property I owned with my ex-husband and he became responsible for making all payments on the debt since he owned the property. Showing his true colors, yet again, he says he doesn't care if my credit is ruined because he wants to be financially irresponsible. He also doesn't care to refinance the mortgage to remove my name from the note as promised because he has no character.
Let's see, I have nothing, and I can't do anything about the wrong being done to me by someone else even though, technically, I'm in the right. So what does that mean? Well I no longer have to be afraid of being a nobody, because look at that -- I already am!
And yet having everything and being a somebody doesn't help in life either.
You don't have to look past the entertainment section of Yahoo to see the thousands of celebrities -- actors, singers, athletes -- who have it all and still feel empty. None of them have to worry about bills, they all seem to be dating the "hottest" other celebrity on the planet, they can pick wherever they want to go on vacation and whatever they want to drive. But they're still empty, which is why they constantly try to attain the next best movie role, endorsement, title, deal, award, trophy, and on and on and on and on. Parties, alcohol, drugs, sex, power, notoriety. It's never enough, and it always seems to end in obscurity, jokes about what he/she "used to be," jail time, or an early death.
So being a nobody with nothing or a somebody with everything doesn't make a difference. None of it matters if you aren't trying to know God. Apart from God, I can't do anything. That's what Jesus was trying to tell us. If you don't know Him, if you're not trying to be more like Him, then you're confined to being a selfish idiot who will always feel empty inside because you're chained to your own evil. Whether you're a nobody chained to worrying about yourself or a somebody wanting to gratify yourself, you're still chained to yourself. That's a pretty lonely life.
So I decided in the past few months to let go and just follow my heart. And my heart is with God. I spend most of my day thinking about God. I study the Bible. I pray. I fast sometimes. I read what scholars and theologians have written about Jesus. I seek out the companionship of other people I see striving to know God because I'm hungry to know Him more and more.
I have nothing and I am nobody and everything seems to be going wrong in my life. And yet I have never felt happier or less stressed than I do right now. Success is not having money, or fame, or family, prestige, or security. It's being what God created you to be. It's fulfilling the purpose He gave you. It's knowing Him, and trusting Him, and becoming like Him through love. Real, hopeful, true, abiding love that is unselfish and without judgment. Because eternity is what matters, and our short lives here on earth are what God uses to prepare us for that eternal life.
My blog will still be about my journey, but that journey is changing and it's more about what's happening on the inside of me than on the outside. Because I'm focused on God, my blog will be too. Starting tomorrow, I post five times a week about what I'm learning.
