On the B-Side in Baltimore

Sitting in a lonely apartment. One bedroom, one occupant, one carton of soy milk in the fridge, one dirty dish in the sink, one big white wall that stares back in silent judgment at the girl who doesn't know enough about herself yet to fill it with things she loves, because she's not even sure what her tastes are, where her passions lie, or who exactly she is.

She used to know. She was married to someone she planned on being married to forever. She planned on having kids with this man. She had a religious faith that she thought was unshakable. She worked hard to earn a top GPA in college, she worked harder to do well in her career: promotions, raises, and awards. For a long time, she had life figured out. And then...

Two miscarriages, no kids.
Very strong questioning of her faith in God.
A huge smack in the face realization that her husband was a complete fraud of a human being who was having more affairs than a little black book could ever contain.
Divorce.
New career.
New single life.
New love, which she wasn't wanting or prepared for, but happy to find.
Break-up out of the blue.
Decision to just stop working at a job in a field she no longer understood.
Awareness that she wasn't happy.
Desperate, desperate, desperate need for change.

Fast forward the track, and I'm that girl with the big white wall looming in front of me. Life before in Michigan had its depressing moments for sure, but it was my A-Side. I understood it even when it was difficult. It was filled with friends, family, and familiar surroundings. I was comfortable, I had a niche. My A-Side life, that was nice. I could play my A-Side all day long. But sometimes you wear a song out and grow tired of it when you play it too often. You know every word, every note, every beat to the point where what is distinct has turned into what is dull and dispassionate. And all the things you knew about that song start to make you think there has to be better melodies out there.

So I flipped life over. I moved to a new place where I'm a nine hour drive from all that I know, and I'm giving myself six months of living on savings to see where life takes me in Baltimore. And I know I'm setting myself up for some possible big-time failure. Not knowing anyone in Baltimore, not having a job, not having any blueprints to guide me is making my life on the B-Side scary. The people I love back home are watching, and falling down in front of an audience always gives a faceplant to the floor a lot more sting. But I've thought about it, and I think the B-Side songs might be the best ones. They aren't the flashy, overproduced, overhyped, overplayed tunes. They don't have the support of the producers, the money men. Maybe they're the tunes that have integrity, passion, faith, and courage. Maybe the B-Side isn't just a filler, maybe it's what you fight to get on the album, what you pour your heart and soul into and say to the world I'm putting it out there, even if you don't like it, even if you don't believe in it, it's me and I'm going to tell you who I am with a bold voice even as I struggle to figure it out myself.

Kobi Yamada said, "Sometimes you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down."

So this is me, on the B-Side in Baltimore. Might be a hit, might be a flop, but either way this album is getting made.