Nine Months...

...we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

Consider this number as you read this blog post: 3:59.4

I gave myself six months on my own in a new place to "make it" -- meaning, find a job. I'd been looking and applying to jobs out of state so I could move from Michigan since January. When I moved to Maryland on March 16th, I had enough savings and compensation to last me roughly through September 1st. After that, I didn't know what I was going to do. Today, I finally received a job offer. The feeling I had at hearing the words "Welcome Aboard" was not elation at my good fortune, nervousness to start a job I hope I'm good at, or even anxiousness to just jump in and go. I was overwhelmed with relief. Calm, happy, and relieved.

I wrote in a post back in June that God is never in a hurry, but he's always on time. How true that is. I've been seeking His blessing to give me a path and way to support myself in this new place, and as great as it would have been for Him to just hand me a job right from the start, He had other plans for me, plans to train me and develop my character.

I know there are people out there still struggling to find work. I feel your pain. It took me nine grueling months of depression and anxiety and failure upon failure after interviews for several positions to finally get an offer of employment. Nine months? Humans give birth to other tiny humans in nine months. It's a long time.

When I think of the word suffering, the images that come to mind are ones of torture and physical pain, like medieval punishments with men being laid bare on a bed of spikes, their bones being pulled out of their sockets while tendons are ripped from the stretching that occurred on the "rack." But physical pain, for as teeth-grinding and stomach-churning as it can be, usually dissipates after a threshold is reached. You zone out, you pass out, you might even check-out through death -- but that physical pain just doesn't last. Today we even have enough medications and therapies that can mask or alleviate the physical pain associated with sickness and injury to the point it's manageable, if not altogether stoppable.

When Paul wrote his letter to the Roman church and explained that suffering is something to take pride in, something to rejoice in, he didn't mean that there should be applause when a Christian is being persecuted or put under physical torture for his/her faith. He meant that the physical suffering the Christians were enduring was creating a mental and spiritual toughness that just cannot be acquired through a privileged and easy existence.

Think of the men and women who sign up to join the U.S. Armed Forces. They go through eight weeks of basic training where their bodies are put through the rigors of physical exercise at boot camp to the point where they are pushed beyond what they believe their limits are. There are two reasons for such physical training:

1. To break down the recruits in the beginning so they can be built back up as stronger and more disciplined soldiers at the end.
2. To prove to them that mental toughness counts for a lot more than physical strength or ability.

May 6, 1954. Roger Bannister is a runner who's been training for this race for nearly seven years since his time on the track and field team at Oxford University in England. His goal? Break the unbreakable 4:00 minute mile barrier. Until now, no one's ever done it. It's called a barrier for a reason, because it seems impossible. And Bannister's tried and failed numerous times before.

3:59.4 minutes is where the watch stops, however, when Roger Bannister crosses the finish line and enters the history books.

When he was waiting for the gun to go off, what do you think he was thinking about? All of the times he has failed to reach his goal of crossing the finish line under 4:00? All the people who have been telling him while he's trained for the past seven years that it's impossible to run a mile in under 4:00? Probably. Trainers and experts were probably replaying in his mind along with pictures of each time he lunged across the line only to miss finishing under 240 by just one or two extra seconds. But he didn't treat any of it like weights around his ankles. With each step, he used those trainings, those failures, those speeches, as fuel to burn his doubts and carry his stride.

The physical suffering he experienced while training was compounded by the mental anguish of not accomplishing his goal in race after race where he failed to run a mile in under 4:00. But he learned to stay steady and keep running his race by training his mind to push past the mental barriers of constant failure because he knew, he believed, that magical 3:59.4 was in reach.

The human mind is powerful. What we think, we become. You can think of yourself as ugly, and hide. You can think of yourself as weak, and shrink. You can think of yourself as a failure, and fail. Many times our thoughts become self-fulfilling prophecies. We've all heard the saying, "If you think you can't, you're right."

Roger Bannister went a long time failing and suffering under doubt, but he persevered and showed up at the track to keep running every day. His character was being molded and refined. It was because of his resolve, character developed over time and trials, that he had hope when he set foot on the track on May 6, 1954 and broke that 4:00 barrier.

"Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

Scarred by Lies and Healed by Love

Battered and bruised,
my heart's scarred and feels used.
But the pain stripped away chaff from wheat.

You told me I can't,
that my path's got a slant,
and your words were like chains on my feet.

Remembering lies
told to keep my soul's rise
from the mud and the muck of your hate.

Brought back from dust,
my words beat and they bust
rhymes that aim to the top swift and straight.

Deep calls to deep,
you can't make my dreams sleep
in the dark where your schemes curse and bind.

My love's finally free,
no more censoring me,
He's renewed my heart, spirit, and mind.

I wrote the verses above after meditating on Psalm 42 and realizing I had a lot in common with the Psalmist who wrote it. Especially Psalm 42:7 where he says, "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me." I know what it's like to feel abandoned by God when you are being broken by people in your life who say painful things to discourage and insult you.

Meditating on God's love and sovereignty, though, helps bring healing and the courage to call those people out for what they truly are: cowardly, immature liars with extremely low self-esteem. Don't hate them, love them...and don't believe their lies. It's most likely they don't have enough life experience yet to focus on the things that matter.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Like a Drop in a Pond...

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

There is a particular cookie I bake that everyone seems to like, and I admit they're delicious: oatmeal, peanut butter, chocolate chips, mmmmmm. Since I've moved, I've visited my new local post office more than a few times so I could package them up and ship them out to my friends back home. It takes me a long time to tape up the boxes and pack the cookies with newspaper or bubble wrap so they don't get damaged in transit. The other day when I was done packing and taping up the cookies in the post office lobby, I went and stood in line to wait my turn for shipping.

The woman waiting in line in front of me was called up to the counter. When the postal worker smiled and asked her, "How can I help you today?" she didn't get very far into that question before the female customer unleashed a torrent of verbal abuse that made me cringe.

"How can you help me? Well let me tell you, you people here at the post office need to get it together! I mean, this is ridiculous! You've ruined my plans because of your ineptness and..." and on and on and on she went. I honestly thought she might pass out from a lack of oxygen to the brain because she wasn't stopping to take a breath. It was pure adrenaline running in that mouth, and all cylinders were fired up and ready to run over that poor postal worker like she was verbal roadkill.

The gist of what I heard was that the customer was upset because a friend had mailed out a package to her home, via express mail, and it was something she needed to arrive that very morning before she left on her trip to New York from Baltimore. The post office had erred and misdelivered the package to her friend's house. So, that morning the package had arrived right back at the place it had just been sent from the day before.

This woman wasn't going to leave until she received a refund in full, the package was delivered properly, or the postal worker, along with the rest of us, endured her hate speech. The postal worker apologized and tried to politely explain that, without a receipt, there was nothing she could do for the woman as far as a refund was concerned. She also informed the woman that she would be happy to help her in any way possible including giving her information on receiving a refund once the receipt was located. This woman wasn't having any of that. She continued berating the postal worker and lambasting the post office. Once I was called up to the counter for my turn, the poor guy trying to help me by entering in the shipping addresses for my packages couldn't even concentrate. The tirade going on next to us was sucking us both in as it was loaded with insults, threats, and a nearly John J. Rambo attitude.

It was amazing to see the transformation that this female customer's words had on the female postal worker trying to help her, the male postal worker trying to help me, their co-workers in the backroom who kept peeking their heads in the lobby just to make sure no one was actually going postal, and the customers standing in line behind me. In all, there were probably 8-9 people in the post office that afternoon getting an earful and becoming agitated.

The female postal worker finally just became exasperated under this customer's abuse, and her attitude completely changed. She went from sympathizing with the customer and trying to help her to just stating facts with cold authority:

1. No receipt, no refund.
2. There may have been an error on the part of the post office; without the package sitting in front of her for examination, however, there was no way to deduct that for certain.
3. The post office is a business organization; she, as a postal worker, is not the post office, nor did she have anything personally to do with delivering this woman's package incorrectly.
4. The customer could accept her help, or the customer could just continue to berate the postal worker and prolong the time she was wasting by continuing to complain.

The female customer finally got the message and left. The other people who where present to hear the abusive customer "set it off" on anyone wearing a postal uniform that day were gone, too. They had long since been waited on and scooted out the front door in a hurry to leave the oppressive atmosphere. I had the unfortunate pleasure of being stuck there under the abusive customer's umbrella of negativity; the guy waiting on me had to redo my packages more than once as he was focusing on his co-worker's situation, and probably thinking he might have to intercept a punch to her face.

I can guarantee the words of that one abusive customer ended up affecting more than the 8-9 people who heard her speak that day. Once the postal worker's attitude was altered by the verbal assault she experienced, she passed that onto the next customer. There was no smile to greet him, no "Good afternoon, welcome to the post office, how can I help you today?" There was a whole lot of sighing and frowning and looking at him like he was from another planet and didn't speak any language an earthling could understand. And that poor guy had no idea why he was being treated so badly because he didn't hear the customer she had to wait on before him. As a result, his attitude and demeanor also changed because he was thinking what's her deal? I didn't do anything! I just wanted to mail some letters, this is totally unfair! He left in a huff and headed back to his van where his wife, 4 kids, and their dog were waiting for him. I could see him pass along this newly acquired attitude from Hades onto them, too, and I thought oh wow, they're in for a real treat of a day with dear old dad!

This experience was a huge reminder for me to watch my tongue and clean up my attitude and speech.

Our words have the power to impact people far beyond what we can imagine. It is amazing to see the positive effects sincere, comforting, and encouraging words can have on other individuals, as well as the negative effects callous, tormenting, and discouraging words wreak on the universe.

Think of your words as drops in a pond; when one words drops, there is a small ring of water that envelops its impact with the water. Another ring forms, and then another ring, and then another, and each one grows in size and expands until it is no longer detectable on its way to reaching the shore. That one drop of water affects the entire pond with its impact.

Words have a ripple effect beyond your limited viewpoint and understanding. You can speak compassion, or you can speak cruelty. If you are able to create peace and happiness with your speech, why would you want to create frustration and sadness? Choose your words carefully, because you're impacting more than yourself with them.

Retraining My Brain - God Is Loving

Job 10:8-21

Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?

Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews? You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit.

But this is what you concealed in your heart, and I know that this was in your mind: If I sinned, you would be watching me and would not let my offense go unpunished.

If I am guilty - Woe to me! Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction. If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a lion and again display your awesome power against me. You bring new witnesses against me and increase your anger toward me; your forces come against me wave upon wave. Why then did you bring me out of the womb? I wish I had died before any eye saw me. If only I had never come into being, or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave! Are not my few days almost over? Turn away from me so I can have a moment's joy before I go to the place of no return, to the land of gloom and despair...

In my Bible study group the other night, one of the girls wished she could be closer to God, but she didn't know how to do it.

I told her I know exactly how to do it:

1. Get divorced after finding out your abusive spouse is a liar and a cheater
2. Get dumped after finally falling in love with someone else again (for what you believe is the last time you'll ever have to put your heart on the line)
3. And then lose your job, the last place of self-worth you had left, because someone has a personal vendetta against you and you have no clue as to why.
4. Have all 3 things above happen in the span of 18 months.
   

In two words --> get broken.

Heartbroken.

Wrenching, bleeding, sobbing, on your knees, face in the dirt, guts on the ground, just pleading for mercy from a God you don't really believe wants to help you, but you really hope will do it anyway.

After all the upheaval in my life finally being capped off with losing my job, I could have moved back in with my parents, saved money, and waited to apply to graduate school programs set to begin in the fall of 2011. But I was so devastated after all the pain I'd been through that I felt like going back home to live with my parents would have been a death sentence for me. I'm not going to lie, I thought about killing myself. I could literally picture hanging myself in my parents' basement about two weeks after I moved in. I had the letters written to my family members. I thought it didn't matter to anyone if I wasn't around anyway, no one wanted me. My friends already had plenty of friends who were much better than I, my abusive ex-husband had put too many thoughts in my head of me just being a loser, my ex-boyfriend said he was too afraid of not knowing his own future to care about me anymore, and I had no job.

Well, who cares about a "breath of fresh air" like that hanging around, right?

I thought maybe...just maybe...the God I had foolishly abandoned a few years prior, the One the Bible talks about being very forgiving, might still be there, and He might still care about me. So I decided to pray, and I hadn't done that in a very long time. I prayed for God to give me a sign. I'm not sure it was actually praying as much as it was sobbing and begging. I'd been unemployed and applying for jobs like crazy, and I wasn't hearing anything back from employers. So I asked God if I gave up everything for Him, if I finally decided to not just believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior, but also put my faith in Him as my Good Shepherd -- a God who wants to lead me and protect me -- would He please give me a sign by having an employer call me the next morning? Would He let me know He was listening to me? And I promised, whatever state I got a call from, that's where I would go.

I was putting a mustard seed of faith in God, because that's honestly all I had to give. [Matthew 17:20]

But in the back of my mind I was thinking you're an idiot, because God doesn't care about losers like you. He cares about people who don't abandon Him and don't doubt Him. You're much too far in the other arenas for Him to worry about answering your prayers, and that's where you've always been your entire life. That's why you keep getting abused or abandoned, you're not worth anything.

And then I cried myself to sleep around 11:15 p.m.

9:25 a.m. rrrring rrrring

I pick up my cell phone and see a Maryland phone number. I let it go to voicemail because I'm scared to death. I listen to the voicemail, and it's an employer calling about a job in Maryland. I am in shock. God heard me, and He answered me. And I can't believe it. But I pledged to Him I'd give it all up and move if He gave me a sign, so right then and there I started hunting for an apartment in Maryland and moved about 3-4 weeks later.

I don't think there is one instance I can point to in my life that gave me the picture of who I believe God to be, but I know I've carried this picture around in my heart for years. I know what Job's talking about in the verses above. I know what it's like to believe all of God's wrath and punishment is being channeled in your direction if circumstances in your life are tough and seem unwarranted. To believe that He's just been watching for you to slip up, mess up, screw up in any little area so He can punish you, that's the kind of God I pictured. Kind of like someone waiting to give you a big spiritual slap in the face.

There are a combination of things in my past that put a picture of God like this in my heart: sexual abuse in my childhood, miscarriages in my marriage, all the abuse from my ex-husband, abandonment from my ex-boyfriend, and a host of other things. They all worked together to make me believe I wasn't worth much to God, and God wasn't someone I could really trust. Not totally, not completely. Sure, I could put my faith in Jesus Christ as a Redeemer, someone who died on a cross and saved me so I could go to heaven, but I'd better have all my ducks in a row down here on earth and behave as perfectly as possible, or else there would be hell to pay.

I came to Baltimore hopeful, excited, ready to let go of past issues, aches, and bitterness to just find my way, whatever way that might be. I wanted God to show me that way, I wanted it to be from Him. I truly believed if I followed God's voice, then He would just part the waters for me and everything would be a snap.

It didn't take long before I figured out starting over isn't as easy as it sounds, even when you believe God is on your side. Not knowing a soul, not having a plan, not having anything but funds in the bank that would only last about 6 months, I stepped foot in my new Baltimore apartment and received a phone call telling me the job I hoped for was gone and given to someone else. I kissed my parents goodbye after we dropped off the moving van, I locked myself in my bedroom, and I sobbed like a baby thinking I'd just made the dumbest decision of my life.

I moved away from home, I was lonely and depressed, and things weren't working out for me like I thought they might, so I did the only thing I knew to do -- I turned to God and started a relationship with Him. No more just calling out to Him every once in awhile, no more keeping Him at arm's length. Every day since I moved, I have studied my Bible and prayed, every day, several times a day, sometimes without ceasing -- just one, big, drawn out conversation with God. I decided to seek out a church so I could worship God and find other people who believe in His goodness and grace. Of course, I prayed for God to lead me to a church, whichever church He wanted me to go to. It wasn't long before He did. Other churches I tried to attend weren't very welcoming. Horizon Church was different. Right away, Leslie, my new Bible study/Link Group leader, contacted me and invited me to her group. Everyone was supportive and kind to me when I went. When I finally made it to an actual church service, the friends I had made immediately came up to me when the service ended to talk to me and see how I was doing. I wasn't used to people being like that.

I still am not sure what my future holds. I have had several job interviews and yet have no job. But I believe, more than ever, that this process is God's plan even if it looks to the outside world like there is no plan for my life right now. Why do I believe this? Because these past few months, God has done quite a work in my heart and soul. I don't feel any anger or bitterness towards other people anymore. Most importantly, my heart sees God differently now. I don't see Him as a Judge, but as One who loves me, completely and truly, and will never abandon me even though I'm used to that happening in my life. I believe I suffered abuse, abandonment, and all the other bad things I mentioned because God wanted to share with me how He felt when I abandoned Him to chase other things that seemed more fun or like less work. I think God orchestrated all the events over the past 2 years of my life to draw me closer to Him, to bring me to a place of humility and dependence on him, to make me want Him, and help me see how His feeling were hurt when I didn't care about Him.

For the first time in my life, I can feel God's presence and love. And to be honest, I'm almost afraid of the day I do finally get a job, because even though it can be boring and depressing to be unemployed and single, I don't want to lose this feeling of being close to God. I realize now, not only was I wrong to believe other things and people would fill me up and make me happy without God, but I also thought God was holding me to a standard He never was -- He loves me just as I am, and He wants me to be as committed in my relationship to Him as He is to me. He's been using this time to train me to understand who He is.

At the eye of this storm of difficulties is a place of rest, comfort, and peace that I've never known before. I hope I can stay cocooned within it long after the storm stops raging.

The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. Isaiah 30:18

Jacob and Esau - Part 3

Genesis 27

When Isaac was old and his eyes were so weak that he could no longer see, he called for Esau his older son and said to him, “My son.”

“Here I am,” he answered.

Isaac said, “I am now an old man and don’t know the day of my death. Now then, get your weapons – your quiver and bow – and go out to the open country to hunt some wild game for me. Prepare me the kind of tasty food I like and bring it to me to eat, so that I may give you my blessing before I die.”

Now Rebekah was listening as Isaac spoke to his son Esau. When Esau left for the open country to hunt game and bring it back, Rebekah said to her son Jacob, “Look, I overheard your father say to your brother Esau, ‘Bring me some game and prepare me some tasty food to eat, so that I may give you my blessing in the presence of the LORD before I die.’ Now, my son, listen carefully and do what I tell you: Go out to the flock and bring me two choice young goats, so I can prepare some tasty food for your father, just the way he likes it. Then take it to your father to eat, so that he may give you his blessing before he dies.”

Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, “But my brother Esau is a hairy man, and I’m a man with smooth skin. What if my father touches me? I would appear to be tricking him and would bring down a curse on myself rather than a blessing.”

His mother said to him, “My son, let the curse fall on me. Just do what I say; go and get them for me.”

So he went and got them and brought them to his mother, and she prepared some tasty food, just the way his father liked it. Then Rebekah took the best clothes of Esau her older son, which she had in the house, and put them on her younger son Jacob. She also covered his hands and the smooth part of this neck with the goatskins. Then she handed to her son Jacob the tasty food nd the bread she had made.

He went to his father and said, “My father.”

“Yes, my son,” he answered, “Who is it?”

Jacob said to his father, “I am Esau your firstborn. I have done as you told me. Please sit up and eat some of my game so that you may give me your blessing.”

Isaac asked his son, “How did you find it so quickly, my son?”

“The LORD your God gave me success,” he replied.

Then Isaac said to Jacob, “Come near so I can touch you, my son, to know whether you really are my son Esau or not.”

Jacob went close to his father Isaac, who touched him and said, “The voice is the voice of Jacob, but the hands are the hands of Esau.” He did not recognize him, for his hands were hairy like those of his brother Esau; so he blessed him. “Are you really my son Esau?”

“I am,” he replied.

Then he said, “My son, bring me some of your game to eat, so that I may give you my blessing.”

Jacob brought it to him and he ate; and he brought some wine and he drank. Then his father Isaac said to him, “Come here, my son, and kiss me.”

So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said, “Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the LORD has blessed. May God give you of heaven’s dew and of earth’s richness – an abundance of grain and new wine. May nations serve you and peoples bow down to you. Be lord over your brothers, and may the sons of your mother bow down to you. May those who curse you be cursed and those who bless you be blessed.”

After Isaac finished blessing him and Jacob had scarcely left his father’s presence, his brother Esau came in from hunting. He too prepared some tasty food and brought it to his father. Then he said to him, “My father, sit up and eat some of my game, so that you may give me your blessing.”

His father Isaac asked him, “Who are you?”

“I am your son,” he answered, “your firstborn, Esau.”

Isaac trembled violently and said, “Who was it, then, that hunted game and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came and I blessed him – and indeed he will be blessed!”

When Esau heard his father’s words, he burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, “Bless me – me too, my father!”

But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing.”

Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob?* He has deceived me these two times. He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?”

Isaac answered Esau, “I have made him lord over you and have made all his relatives his servants, and I have sustained him with grain and new wine. So what can I possible do for you, my son?”

Esau said to his father, “Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!” Then Esau wept aloud.

*Note: When Esau asks “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob?” he is referring to his father’s words that Jacob was deceitful in tricking Isaac into blessing him rather than Esau. In Hebrew, the name Jacob means he grasps the heel, which is what Jacob was doing to Esau when the boys were born. Picture someone grabbing the heel of another to trip them up and cause them to stumble, and you can feel the pain Esau is feeling over the deception of his brother.

Jacob and Esau receiving their inheritance is very similar to what we do today when we draft a Last Will and Testament; in the days of Jacob and Esau, however, there was no “get it in writing.” A father’s spoken blessing upon his son became the agreement, or binding contract, that guaranteed the inheritance. So there is good reason for Rebekah and Jacob to panic when they learn that Isaac is about to pronounce his blessing upon Esau. Even though Esau already swore on oath to Jacob to exchange his birthright for a bowl of stew, the rights that Jacob has to the birthright aren’t binding unless the blessing is given to him.

The blessing technically belongs to Jacob, and Esau should no longer be entitled to the rights associated with it, including being appointed to the position of leader in his family/clan and receiving double the inheritance Jacob will receive (as the younger son, Jacob is not entitled to as much as Esau). Any time prior to the ceremony being performed and the blessing being spoken, the father can take the birthright away from the eldest son and give it to any of the other children that he chooses. It is still Isaac’s decision, as the father, to choose which son should receive this blessing. He does not have to give the birthright to Esau, he can choose Jacob. But we already know that Esau is his favorite son, that he loves Esau. We also know that he doesn’t have knowledge of the prophecy Rebekah received because he would not go against God’s plan and give the blessing to Esau if he is aware that God clearly wants it to be given to Jacob.

There are many ways Rebekah and Jacob could handle this situation without resorting to deception and lies to accomplish their goal. Instead of being jealous and fearful of the favoritism Isaac feels toward Esau, they could bring their case before Isaac and ask him to do right by the oath Esau has already sworn. It would then be up to Isaac to break a covenant that has been established between the two brothers. Instead of keeping Isaac and Esau in the dark regarding the prophecy she received, Rebekah could use this opportunity to speak up for Jacob and explain to Isaac what God revealed to her before the twin boys were born. Isaac could then go before the LORD, ask Him if Rebekah’s account is true, and follow God’s plan by giving the blessing to Jacob. Rebekah and Jacob also have the option of calling on God and asking Him to intervene on behalf of Jacob since they already know the prophecy Rebekah was given.

The last option, and probably the hardest, is for Rebekah and Jacob to simply trust God and be patient. That’s the hardest option for many of us. I speak from personal experience. There have been many times in my life when I saw something I wanted, or a situation I knew should go a certain way and it didn’t seem to be heading down that path, and instead of allowing God to work it out the way He wanted according to His plan, I manipulated and tried to steer things to go in my favor. If God created the universe, our world, and everything in it including every individual human on earth, I’m positive He is capable of fulfilling His own plans for my life and was just as capable of doing the same for Jacob. It’s when we really want something, though, that we tend to try and take control from God and things get skewed and messed up.

Rebekah obviously wants Jacob to be the rightful heir of the Jewish nation and receive the inheritance God promised. But instead of trusting God, even up until the last possible moment for Him to act, she is scared and decides to make things happen that God never intended. Jacob isn’t innocent in this process. Obviously he has a heart for God which is why God chose him in the womb to be the future leader for his people. And Jacob must have known about the prophecy because not only did he look for a way to make Esau give up his birthright, he also never questions his mother when she suggests he deceive Isaac by pretending to be Esau in order to receive his blessing. Jacob is afraid of getting caught in the act, and so he and his mother devise a plan to disguise his identity from Isaac, but Jacob isn’t afraid to try and take the blessing his father was prepared to give to Esau. That’s a bold and brash move for a young man who knows he is not his father’s favorite son and that he has no right to claim the birthright since he’s the youngest, unless you consider that he is most likely aware of the prophecy and assumes he can do no wrong in taking the blessing.

There are several opportunities for Rebekah and Jacob to repent of their deception and follow God’s way instead of their own. Jacob tries to explain to his mother that if he is found out, he will be cursed rather than blessed. Rebekah doesn’t take that opportunity to weigh the consequences of their actions. She simply says, “let the curse fall on me.” She is so wrapped up in thinking God is not going to work on behalf of Jacob to bless him, that it’s the final curtain call and they must do something to make sure God’s plan works out, that she devises a plan to deceive her husband and involves her son in the manipulation. Jacob is just as guilty. It may be his mother’s plan, but it takes a lot of time to find the goats, butcher them, prepare the meat, cook the food to Isaac’s taste, and then dress in Esau’s clothes and apply a costume of goat hair in order to fool his father. But he never looks back, his mind is set on lying and stealing to gain what he knows is rightfully his according to God’s revelation to his mother and Esau’s oath. Isaac attempts to figure out who is in his presence as he can no longer see clearly, and in trying to deduce the individual presented before him, Isaac gives Jacob five chances to repent and confess his crime of deception:

1. When Jacob enters the tent and announces himself to Isaac, Isaac asks “Who is it?” Jacob may have entered pretending to be Esau, but his voice has already given him away. Isaac was expecting Esau, and it clearly doesn’t sound like his firstborn son. This is Jacob’s first chance to admit his identity. But he lies and asserts that he is Esau.

2. Remember Esau is a very skilled hunter and has a close relationship with his father. Isaac would know approximately how long it should take Esau to go out in the open country, find and kill wild game, and then come back to camp and prepare a meal for his father. It hasn’t been long enough for Isaac’s taste, so he asks, “How did you find it so quickly, my son?” Again, Jacob lies and tries to make sure Isaac doesn’t question the lie by answering that God gave him success in the hunt. At this point he has compounded his deceit by falsely using God as an accomplice.

3. Isaac, still wary, bids Jacob to come close to him so he can touch him and know whether or not this person in his presence is Esau. Jacob obliges and allows his father to touch the goat hair on his hands, thereby deceiving him into believing the hands belong to Esau.

4. Isaac feels the hands, but he still hears the voice clearly, and it does not belong to Esau. It sounds like Jacob. Isaac states this anomaly out loud, and then asks, “Are you really my son Esau?” Again, Jacob lies and answers, “I am.”

5. Finally, Isaac prepares to go through with the ceremony and asks for his son to bring him the food he’s prepared. After he has eaten, Isaac asks Jacob to come close to him and kiss him. Jacob again obliges, and in so doing the deceptive costume he is wearing, made up of Esau’s clothes and not his own, takes effect and Isaac smells the scent of Esau.

During any one of these moments, Jacob could have turned away from his lying and manipulation and confessed his sin. This example is just as relevant today as it was in Jacob’s day. How often do you start down a path of lies and deceit, and along the way you are given opportunities to confess and tell the truth? Even though Jacob was technically right to receive Isaac’s blessing on two counts (God had already foretold that he would rule over Esau, and Esau had previously sold his birthright to Jacob), he went about receiving the blessing by tricking his father into believing a lie. His attitude was not one of trust in God but rather of feeling entitled, and God has revealed to us throughout the Bible that arrogance, pride, and lies are destructive sins that He cannot stand.

Esau was foolish to sell his birthright, and if he had a heart focused on God and on doing what is right and good in God’s eyes, he never would have been tempted to sell his birthright in the first place. Also, once he had sold it, if he were an honest man he would have confessed this to his father and allowed Jacob to receive the blessing.

In the end, neither son understood that you have to face the consequences of your decisions, and God’s law of “you reap what you sow” is always in effect. Esau wept bitterly because he had failed to desire the things of God and instead wanted temporary things that felt good to him; as a consequence, he lost the blessing of his father. When the story continues, Jacob will end up feeling the effects of his deceit for years as he is forced to flee to his uncle’s territory because Esau threatens to kill him, he falls in love with a woman but is tricked into marrying her sister, he is denied the rightful wages he has earned working for his uncle and is shortchanged, and his brother ends up founding a nation that becomes the enemy of Israel (the nation Jacob’s 12 sons create).

It is always wise, even though it’s difficult, to wait on God and let Him accomplish His plans in His time and in His way. When we take control and do the things we want to do, the things contrary to God and His character, we suffer from it.

Jacob and Esau - Part 2

Genesis 25:29-34

Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished.
He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” (That is why he was also called Edom.)*

Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.”

“Look, I am about to die,” Esau said. “What good is the birthright to me?”

But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.”

So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright.

*Note: After Esau begged for the red stew Jacob was preparing, we are told Esau was also known as Edom. The word “edom” is Hebrew for “red.”

I remember growing up in church and going to Sunday School. We learned all the “Bible Stories” including this one about Jacob and Esau. For the most part, the story as told to me included the description of Esau as a foolish young man who cared more about eating a bowl of stew than he did about the inheritance he was entitled to receive from his father. We were also taught that Jacob was a bit of a con man, a selfish person who didn’t have anyone’s interest at heart but his own and took advantage of others’ weaknesses. But I think there is far more to the story than Esau being a man who’s more focused on food than fortune, and Jacob being a man who’s more focused on falsehoods than fate.

Let’s look at the clues we’re given in the above verses that tell us more about the characteristics of these twin brothers:

1. Esau has just returned from the open country, and we’ve already been told that he is a skillful hunter. How do people become skillful hunters? My brother hunts deer with a bow and arrow, and although some technology has changed since Esau’s day, the basic premise is the same today as it was then. To become skillful, hunters spend quite a bit of time outdoors familiarizing themselves with the area; they search out and frequent the locations where animals can be found; and they patiently wait for the wild game to be in the right place and position in order to make a successful kill. In fact, my brother has been known to stay in a tree stand for hours, almost motionless, waiting for a deer to wander into the area he is staking out and stand close enough for him to target and hit cleanly with an arrow. So, we can make an accurate assumption that Esau isn’t as brash and impulsive with everything as we’re led to believe if we simply thought he sold his birthright for a bowl of stew because his stomach was growling. No, as a hunter he has learned the game of patience and perseverance. He also isn’t likely to cower in fear of many things if he spends all his time outdoors hunting, tracking, and hiking through wilderness.
2. Jacob is preparing a meal. We’ve already been told in Genesis 25:27 that Jacob was a quiet individual who preferred to stay among the tents. If he stays by the tents, where coincidentally his mother Rebekah would also be found spending the majority of her time, then cooking would be a natural hobby for him just as Esau’s natural hobby would be hunting if he spends all of his time in the open country. If Jacob is a quiet individual, he’s probably more likely to be extremely observant of the people and activities surrounding him in the communal society where he lives. Since Esau spends most of his time outdoors, he is probably more likely to be focused on his own exploits and adventures in the wilderness than he is to be worried about the details and goings on at camp.
3. In Genesis 25:28, we are given a few key details about the parents of these twin boys and how their devotions are divided between the two sons. Nowhere are we told that one parent is unloving toward either son, but we are told that each parent has a favorite. Isaac has a taste for wild game, and he loves Esau. Most likely, Isaac took an interest in Esau’s skill as a hunter. I’m sure when Esau returned to their settlement, he and Isaac would talk about the day’s events, and Isaac probably lived vicariously through the kills and adventures his son had in the open country. Esau likely gravitated naturally toward spending time with his father when he was not out in the open country hunting.
4. We’re also told in Genesis 25:28 that Rebekah loves Jacob. She’s already been told by God that Jacob will be the one to rule over Esau, and that means Jacob will somehow usurp the authority and position of leadership that is supposed to be given to Esau as the eldest son. It makes perfect sense that because she knows the destiny of the two boys, Rebekah would raise Jacob in a way where he should (a) expect to receive his father’s blessing and the birthright owed to Esau, and (b) be ready to lead his people, therefore spending time with them learning their daily chores and customs rather than venturing out in the open country in adventurous pursuits like Esau.

If Jacob was not told about the prophecy his mother received from God, why would he ever think Esau would sell his birthright to him over a bowl of stew? It’s obvious Jacob knew he would be the one, despite their birth order, to receive their father’s inheritance, but he failed to wait on God to supply the avenue. He looked for an opportunity to take the birthright from his brother, and for all we know he may have even tried to do just that before the incident mentioned above. But I doubt he was a selfish individual who only cared about himself and was constantly looking for a way to con his brother. I think Jacob, being quiet and observant and close to his people, and most likely focused on trying to grasp what it meant to be such an integral part of God’s plan to create a nation unto Himself, was not so much a con man as he was a man with a heart for God who just didn’t know how to patiently wait.

Genesis 25:34 tells us Esau despised his birthright. I don’t think that means he hated his birthright, or that he loved stew to the point he thought trading in his future inheritance was worth it to enjoy some meat and potatoes in broth at dinner time. It seems Esau was simply away from the camp and his people long enough to not care about the future or what his role might be in that future. The further Esau wandered from focusing on God and His plans to build a nation, a kingdom for Himself, and turned to focusing on fun, adventure, and hobbies that didn’t have anything to do with God, the less invested he was in God’s plan and in God Himself. Esau didn’t hate his birthright, he was just too entangled in so many pursuits that didn’t have God at the center to be able to recognize his birthright for what it was. So the Bible is correct in saying he despised it. If you’re self-centered and care more about the things that temporarily satisfy you than you do about loving others and loving God, then you might as well hate Him and His plans for your life.

We’re all guilty of the characteristics both these men displayed. Do you know what your talents and abilities are, and do you have every confidence that God wants to use you to further His kingdom, yet like Jacob you don’t have the patience to wait on His timing or for His plans to unfold the way He wants them to? And like Esau, how many of us have wandered far from focusing on God and our relationship with Him just so that we can pursue our own interests and enjoy activities that, although not always bad, are not the best use of our time?

It seems that Jacob had a heart for God and wanted to be the leader God had chosen him to be, but he lacked the trust in God necessary to allow God to work out His plan in His time. Esau cared more about satisfying his own needs and desires and focusing on temporary things than he cared about the future of his people and what God’s role might be for him.

So in the end, Jacob’s heart was in the right place but he failed to honor God’s authority; Esau’s heart had wandered from God, and as a consequence he was left unprotected and unsheltered by God and lost his inheritance. We will discuss more about the effects of Rebekah’s probable prophetic revelation to Jacob, and the weak points of each brother’s personality as a result, in Jacob and Esau – Part 3.

Jacob and Esau - Part 1

Genesis 25:21-27

Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. The babies jostled each other within her, and she said, "Why is this happening to me?" So she went to inquire of the LORD. The LORD said to her, "To nations are in your womb, and two peoples from within you will be separated; one people will be stronger than the other, and the older will serve the younger." when the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. the first to come out was red, and his whole body was like a hairy garment; so they named him Esau. After this, his brother came out, with his hand grasping Esau's hell; so he was names Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them. the boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, wihle Jacob was a quiet man, staying among the tents. Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.

The first thing to note about the story of Jacob and Esau, twin brothers born to Isaac and Rebekah, is that they were the grandsons of Abraham, Isaac's father; Abraham was the man with whom God established His first covenant with humanity. The story of the Jewish people, of the nation of Israel, in Old Testament times is a story where God calls out one man, Abraham, and commands him to leave the land where he has settled and go to a new land God will show him so that God can create for Himself a separate nation from among all people. It is God's plan to use Abraham to start this nation so that Israel, the descendants of Abraham, will be separate and holy through laws, customs, and commandments given to them by God. It is with Jacob's and Esau's grandfather that God established a bloodline extending nearly 2,000 years through which Jesus Christ is eventually born and a new covenant is established with humanity. The old covenant with Abraham (also called the Old Testament) will be fulfilled through a new covenant with Jesus Christ (also called the New Testament) whereby all humanity, not just the nation of Israel, will be given the opportunity to enjoy a relationship with the Lord. The death and resurrection of God's sinless, perfect, and holy Son Jesus Christ, who is both God and man, opened a new door in human history. It all started with Jacob's and Esau's grandfather -- Abraham.

Abraham's son Isaac is married to a woman named Rebekah. After 20 years of barrenness, she becomes pregnant with Abraham's grandsons. She felt them "jostling" each other within her, and this feeling must have been more than mere discomfort as it is physically disturbing enough to alarm Rebekah and cause her to question "Why is this happening to me?"

I have been pregnant twice. Both times I miscarried. I can tell you after the first miscarriage, the second time I was pregnant I was overly cautious of everything; I watched what I ate, I exercised but made sure not to overexert myself, and I religiously took the vitamins prescribed to me. I followed the doctor's orders without deviation. If there was any type of physical discomfort at all, any little twinge of pain or sudden weird feeling, I was calling my doctor, my mother, my friends, and then Googling anything I could think of just to receive reassurance that everything was ok. And yes, prayer was a constant during those times. In the end, I miscarried and everything wasn't ok.

Now take the feelings of anxiety and eagerness over every little thing I felt, and multiply them times 100 for Rebekah. She was barren for 20 years. She lived in a culture where there was no occupation for her to take up. The only purpose she was seen to have was that of wife and mother. In her culture of the Old Testament, her main duty was to give her husband offspring to carry on his name and bloodline. Being the wife of Isaac, the son of Abraham whom the God of the universe established a covenant with, I'm sure Rebekah felt more than enough pressure to perform her duty.

I'd do the same thing Rebekah did if I felt "jostling" going on in my womb. I'd go to God and inquire about it. I, too, would be wondering why I am experiencing trouble with a pregnancy that is so important to God's covenant and for which I have waited so long to fulfill my role. God is right there to answer Rebekah. I believe her critical part in the history of the nation of Israel, and her sincere desire to know why she might fail through no fault of her own, made God tender enough to her question of "why" for Him to reveal to her the prophecy of the two nations that will descend through her sons.

God explained to Rebekah that the jostling happening in her womb is due to the position these two brothers are fighting for. Only one can emerge first from the womb and claim the birthright owed him. Rebekah, now privy to the future, knows the younger child will be the greater leader. The two nations to be established through her sons are the Jewish nation of Israel (through Jacob) and the mountain stronghold nation of Edom (through Esau). God later changes Jacob's name to Israel, and his 12 sons become the founders of the 12 tribes of the nation of Israel (Genesis 32:28). The Edomites plague the nation of Israel for centuries until they are finally destroyed.

Well that's a lot to be happening inside a woman's womb.

That brings us to the second important thing to note abotu the story of Jacob and Esau. It's a dangerous thing to know the end at the beginning and not be given the route in between. Rebekah knows what is coming, she just doesn't know how it will be accomplished. That's where our trust in God must step in. We are promised things in scripture, but we don't always know how God will accomplish the things He promises. It is extremely interesting the way the favoritism splits for each son between the two parents. Isaac favored the eldest son Esau, Rebekah favored Jacob. We know that Rebekah is aware that Jacob, her youngest son, will rule over Esau. No doubt the prophecy Rebekah was given in order to comfort her in her time of need was twisted by her as soon as the babies were born. Right from the start, knowing their futures, I'm sure Rebekah favored Jacob for that very reason.

It's no secret that in most families each parent has a favorite child. Parents everywhere are probably shaking their heads right now and saying to themselves, "No, I love my kids equally the same." Well I'm sure you do, but I was born and grew up in a family just like everyone else, and I know from firsthand experience my mother favored my older brother. I have no doubt that at an early age, because I knew my mother had chose my brother as her favorite, I turned to my father for comfort and this, in turn, is most likely what compelled him to favor me. (Not to mention the protective instinct a father has when his daughter is crying out for help because her older brother has her in a headlock!) I'm certain that when Rebekah began to favor Jacob it caused Isaac to favor Esau. Each choice consequently brought about characteristics in their sons that may not have existed otherwise.

Isaac loved the taste of wild game. Because he favored Esau, he most likely pushed his son to excel in the things he loved. Wild game means hunting, becoming knowledgeable of the outdoors, being skilled as a "man of the open country" -- exactly as Esau is described. Jacob most likely was raised by Rebekah to usurp the power his older brother should rightly have been given by their father when he died simply because, in their culture, birth order dictated Esau (as the eldest) be given these rights. Again, Rebekah knows that Jacob is destined to be the greater leader served by his older brother Esau, but God did not reveal to her His plan to make this prophecy come true. So Rebekah keeps Jacob close to her and he is described as a "quiet man, staying close to the tents." I have no doubt that Jacob was told by his mother, especially the older he became, that he would be the leader of a great nation and his older brother would be his servant.

We will discuss the reasons why I believe Rebekah revealed the prophecy she was given to Jacob in "Jacob and Esau - Part 2."

Changing It Up

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ~Jesus Christ~

It's time to change up the blog. It's been awhile since I've written. Most of my days have been spent doing routinely the same things. Things like looking for a job, and looking for a job, and then looking for a job. Mostly because I used to be scared of not getting a job and becoming poor and a nobody.

And then I realized something. I already am poor! Let's see, I haven't pulled in a paycheck since January and my savings are nearly gone from just surviving in a place that is foreign to me. And I received a letter in the mail eight weeks ago telling me that I had defaulted on my mortgage and payments were late. Strange, but I remember a divorce happening at the beginning of 2009 and an agreement being reached in which I forfeited all rights and claims to the house and property I owned with my ex-husband and he became responsible for making all payments on the debt since he owned the property. Showing his true colors, yet again, he says he doesn't care if my credit is ruined because he wants to be financially irresponsible. He also doesn't care to refinance the mortgage to remove my name from the note as promised because he has no character.

Let's see, I have nothing, and I can't do anything about the wrong being done to me by someone else even though, technically, I'm in the right. So what does that mean? Well I no longer have to be afraid of being a nobody, because look at that -- I already am!

And yet having everything and being a somebody doesn't help in life either.

You don't have to look past the entertainment section of Yahoo to see the thousands of celebrities -- actors, singers, athletes -- who have it all and still feel empty. None of them have to worry about bills, they all seem to be dating the "hottest" other celebrity on the planet, they can pick wherever they want to go on vacation and whatever they want to drive. But they're still empty, which is why they constantly try to attain the next best movie role, endorsement, title, deal, award, trophy, and on and on and on and on. Parties, alcohol, drugs, sex, power, notoriety. It's never enough, and it always seems to end in obscurity, jokes about what he/she "used to be," jail time, or an early death.

So being a nobody with nothing or a somebody with everything doesn't make a difference. None of it matters if you aren't trying to know God. Apart from God, I can't do anything. That's what Jesus was trying to tell us. If you don't know Him, if you're not trying to be more like Him, then you're confined to being a selfish idiot who will always feel empty inside because you're chained to your own evil. Whether you're a nobody chained to worrying about yourself or a somebody wanting to gratify yourself, you're still chained to yourself. That's a pretty lonely life.

So I decided in the past few months to let go and just follow my heart. And my heart is with God. I spend most of my day thinking about God. I study the Bible. I pray. I fast sometimes. I read what scholars and theologians have written about Jesus. I seek out the companionship of other people I see striving to know God because I'm hungry to know Him more and more.

I have nothing and I am nobody and everything seems to be going wrong in my life. And yet I have never felt happier or less stressed than I do right now. Success is not having money, or fame, or family, prestige, or security. It's being what God created you to be. It's fulfilling the purpose He gave you. It's knowing Him, and trusting Him, and becoming like Him through love. Real, hopeful, true, abiding love that is unselfish and without judgment. Because eternity is what matters, and our short lives here on earth are what God uses to prepare us for that eternal life.

My blog will still be about my journey, but that journey is changing and it's more about what's happening on the inside of me than on the outside. Because I'm focused on God, my blog will be too. Starting tomorrow, I post five times a week about what I'm learning.

Ruffian & Affirmed

I used to be into Thoroughbred racing. I followed the Triple Crown races religiously. (But then, who doesn't nowadays? Seems to be the new fad.) I stood and cheered at the Arlington Million, paid for a subscription to The Blood-Horse magazine, and all around just loved the sport.

Then, as I do with nearly everything, I researched what happens to race horses that don't finish at the top of the game. It isn't pretty, and it's very cruel. So much for that sport.

I still have the framed photos and special issue magazines and memorabilia hanging in my apartment, though. For better or worse, there are some amazing heroes in the sport. Above my desk hang memories of one such filly, Ruffian. I've only seen her in film, never in person. She was before my time. She was breathtaking, a regal and graceful being who pranced as if she held the title of Ruler over all horses. A deep dark brown to black, shiny, with beautiful, perfect conformation. The man who wrote The Black Stallion, Walter Farley, is said to have proclaimed Ruffian closer in appearance to his vision for the fictitious "The Black" horse character he wrote about than any stallion he had ever seen.

Ruffian was a fierce spirit with an instinct to win over any cost. Not only did she win every race she entered, she was never headed in any of them. Meaning, right from the time the gun fired, the gates opened, and the Thoroughbreds burst through to look for the finish line, Ruffian went straight to the lead and never relinquished it.

There was a huge buzz in 1975 over a match race between Ruffian and Foolish Pleasure, a stallion who was undefeated as a 2 year old. Like other male vs. female matchups at the time, the race turned, unfairly, into a publicity campaign for women to prove the sexes equal. The hype surrounding the race and the hopes the feminist movement pinned on this filly were both understandable. Unfortunately, they were also fatal.

At the sound of the gun, Ruffian stumbled slightly out of the gate as her shoulder rammed hard against the metal. With Jacinto Vasquez having chosen to ride Ruffian over Foolish Pleasure even though he was the regular rider for both horses, Ruffian quickly regained her composure and it was full steam ahead. After a quarter mile, just as she headed Foolish Pleasure and then gained the lead by half a length -- SNAP! -- her ankle literally exploded. Vasquez tried to pull her up, but the filly wouldn't have it. Ruffian may have suffered an injury, but she wasn't going down. She continued running even after her body had quit. When Vasquez finally got her to stop, her hoof was barely attached. Her ligaments and bones, hanging out of her skin, were filled with dirt from the pounding they received after the fracture and Ruffian's refusal to let it keep her from her goal. Unfortunately, her refusal to quit wasn't enough to keep her from being humanely euthanized after it was clear the injuries were too severe for repair. Foolish Pleasure technically took the W in that race, but no one believed him to be the winner.

Next to Ruffian on my wall is perhaps the greatest Thoroughbred of all time. At least in my book. Sure, Ruffian was beautiful and fierce and undefeated, and Secretariat is still in the record books as the best, but for spirit and sheer determination, no one beats Affirmed.

Let's go back to 1978, the year Affirmed won the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness Stakes, and the Belmont Stakes to become the 11th, and last, Triple Crown winner. The most important thing to know about Affirmed is the rivalry he had with another famous Thoroughbred, Alydar. Between the two of them, Alydar had the better pedigree. He looked like a winner, too. He was more streamlined in his conformation, elegant, gorgeous, imposing. Affirmed didn't have the flash Alydar had.

At their first meeting, Affirmed barely squeaked out a win while Alydar finished fifth. From that point on, however, whenever they met on the racetrack they ran 1-2 every time.

If you've never seen the 1978 Belmont Stakes race, watch it. It's one of my favorite moments in the history of sports. And yes, I've seen Kirk Gibson pump his fist rounding the bases, I've seen the 1980 Miracle on Ice, and I've seen the impossible vault of Kerri Strug on a broken ankle, but I've never seen heart like Affirmed had in 1978 running that Belmont track.

The Belmont is the last leg of the Triple Crown. It's also the hardest leg. It breaks the heart of many a racehorse not to mention the pocketbook of many a racing enthusiast. The experts had Alydar favored to win. He lost to Affirmed by a length in the Kentucky Derby, but everyone knows the Derby is a wildcard race, anyway, with sloppy dirt and a big field of competitors that are unpredictable. When the Preakness came, it was no surprise that Affirmed won. It's a shorter trip than the Derby. The surprise was the margin of victory. Affirmed beat Alydar by a head. It seemed Alydar was closing the distance. Affirmed, always an early leader in a race, and Alydar, always a late breaker, would have a lot more track to battle it out, and everyone assumed the edge would go to Alydar.

The two horses broke away from the rest of the field at about a half mile, and then it's just them. They run neck and neck, with Affirmed always holding onto the slightest lead. The other horses might was well not exist in this race because everyone knows it's between the 1-2 duo. When they get to the final turn and they're heading for home, Affirmed leads but, again, just barely. They're are both giving it all they've got. They're both digging deep, running hard, pounding dirt, and proving their mettle. Intensity. Focus. It's pure adrenaline. And in that final stretch, only seconds from the finish line, Alydar passes Affirmed. He gets a nose on him, and then a head. And that's it! The crowd is on their feet and cheering! Their bets are going to pay off! They listened to the experts, they read their racing forms, they know that all Alydar needed was a longer race and he, the more superior pedigreed horse, would beat the horse no one dreamed would come this far.

Or so they thought.

Apparently, everyone forgot to tell Affirmed he was a loser. No one counted on the heart of this animal. I have never seen a horse, in a race with this much anticipation and this much at stake, be headed in the final stretch and fight back to win. But that's exactly what happened. When you watch it, when I watch it even though I've seen it a hundred times, I still can't believe it. I still tear up. It's incredible! Affirmed just refuses to lose. He's at the end of the race, the part where you've already given all you've got, where the reserves have long since been spent, where your most competitive rival just passed you, and you're staring at his neck from behind and realizing the final seconds are here and you've got nothing.

And yet, he battles. From somewhere, he finds it. He just digs in and finds it. Just before they get to that final pole, a split second before it's lights out and curtains closed, Affirmed sticks his nose in front of Alydar and takes the Belmont.

That's why more than any other figures in sports, Ruffian and Affirmed are my heroes. They have that quality I want to emulate. The desire to never call it quits, never say die, never let anyone tell you that you can't make it. It doesn't matter where you come from, what you have or have not been given in life. You can't let anyone predict your failure. Not even yourself. Perhaps the strongest, loudest, and most critical voice of all is that one in your head that tells you every morning you wake up you are one more day into failure.

That voice of yours, that voice of mine, when it says give up, it's too late, you're never going to make it now -- I look up at my pictures of Ruffian and Affirmed, and I tell that voice to shut up.

Always On Time

Important job interview. Leaving my apartment complex with plenty of extra time for the "just in case" scenarios that inevitably pop up.

Yep...popping up. Traffic traffic everywhere, and nowhere to accelerate.

Sigh.

Pull into the Metro station to park and ride. Loop, loop, loop, up, up, up. Squawking tires around corners.

Nothing? That's right, nothing. Not one empty parking space for a non-permit holder.

Loop, loop, loop, down, down, down. Endless sea of cars in the parking lot, and not one spot left for my Toyota.

Crap!

Oh, there's another parking structure. Good. Loop, loop, loop, up, up, up.

What? Still nothing?

Wait -- one spot! MINE!

Running in heels. Elevator too slow, down the steps we go.

Zip, zip, zip...go, go, go!

Swipe that SmarTrip card, run up those stairs, arrive at the platform, there goes the train I need taking off already.

Crap!

Next train arrives. Hop on, sit, wait, pray. Pray hard. Pray for no delays, no mechanical difficulties, no breakdowns, and for the driver of this train to step on the gas.

Ok, we're hauling ass. Big time hauling ass.

Sweet!

Metro station.

Hop off Orange Line, running to Red Line. Oh, pray again.

Pray I can find the right train connection, and that it isn't taking off when I get to the next platform.

And...here I am. There goes the Red Line to Shady Grove.

Crap!

Another Red Line...Shady Grove. Oh, thank you Jesus.

Hop off Red Line, run to escalator.

Why are people standing on the left side when everyone knows if you're actually going to ride the escalator instead of run/walk up it like the rest of us do, you stand on the right side.

Move it!

Never mind. Running up the escalator, shoving through shoulders, saying "excuse me" after the shove.

Top of the stairs. Arrive on Connecticut Avenue. Where is this place exactly?

Because I have two minutes.

Oh, I see it. It really is just across the street from the Metro station, just as she said. Wait, wait, wait for the light to change. Cross the street. Press 01 to be buzzed up.

"Good Morning, Ms. Kuhn. Nice to meet you. Welcome."

Worrying over.

Wondering still, though, if I give myself extra time to arrive early, why does Murphy's Law always kick in and I don't arrive early, I arrive just in the nick of time?

Ding, ding, ding! I get it.

When God says:

Ask and it will be given to you.

Seek and you will find.

Knock and the door will be opened.

He doesn't answer early. He doesn't answer late.

It may not be when I want it, but when I ask, seek, and knock, God is always on time.

Finding Myself

I can honestly say this period in my life has been the most difficult I've ever faced...and I've been through a lot.

We all have our own stories, but when you tell your story to countless number of individuals, and every person you talk to has the same look on their face of absolute jaw-dropping amazement or terror (depending on what their worst fears might be), it's a safe bet that your life has suffered more hardships than most. Especially when those looks are followed by the same sentence, every time.

"You should write a book."

Hmm. I should, I will, I am actually. A few books. Nonfiction (about me) and fiction (not about me, obviously). I have a lot of time on my hands, so when I'm not diligently applying for jobs or going on interviews or praying for miracles, I think. I just sit and think. A lot. And then I write. Every day.

I don't talk to a lot of people, mostly because there's no one to talk to. I'm not working, I'm not in school, and I won't be able to even look at a graduate program to enter until I'm working and can establish my residency. So, there are no networks of people to create yet. I'd love to get back in a church just to meet people who wouldn't look at me cross-eyed if I mention that I pray and have faith in a God that most people my age and younger seem to think is on par with Santa or the Easter Bunny, but even there it would be lonely. Can you imagine what I would answer if a guy or gal in the row in front of me turns around to shake my hand "hello" and then asks what I do? Because isn't that the first thing out of everyone's mouth, oh I'm such-and-such and I work here, what do you do?

Uh, nothing.

Blank stare. Turns back around, I now have leprosy and won't be talked to again until I come back as a card-carrying member of the American Working Public.

When you're an outgoing individual, someone who really likes making other people feel good about themselves and likes hanging out with friends more than anything else, it's not easy being alone. Like I said, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't have a network of support to get my bills paid, or get charged up again mentally/emotionally through talk, or touch, or time spent with others. I can't just distract myself so easily from any problems that pop up when there is no one but me left to deal with those problems. No, it really is just me. There is no one but me.

It's a funny thing when you are left alone with yourself. You learn so much you didn't want to know. The dark parts you never saw before, the parts you wouldn't want anyone else to know exist. You see all of your faults magnified under a critical glass of self-doubt. Anything bad that happens feels ten times worse because you don't have anyone to share the burden with.

But eventually, all that stuff falls off. You're stripped down to your core, and you start to build yourself back up. Kind of like being in basic training, beaten down, feeling like nothing, and then slowly developing a sense of purpose and character you always thought you had but never had to put to use before.

That's how I feel anyway. I realize that I'm determined to make this new start work, and I don't have time for all the crap other people are doing. Like flirting and trying to start a relationship. Or partying or drinking or spending time on idle pursuits that won't do anything to enhance my future. Time is running out, and I don't have any to kill.

I'm just out to find my path, find myself. When I do, I want to like where I'm going and the person I'm traveling with, especially since she's me.