Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?
Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews? You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit.
But this is what you concealed in your heart, and I know that this was in your mind: If I sinned, you would be watching me and would not let my offense go unpunished.
If I am guilty - Woe to me! Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction. If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a lion and again display your awesome power against me. You bring new witnesses against me and increase your anger toward me; your forces come against me wave upon wave. Why then did you bring me out of the womb? I wish I had died before any eye saw me. If only I had never come into being, or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave! Are not my few days almost over? Turn away from me so I can have a moment's joy before I go to the place of no return, to the land of gloom and despair...
In my Bible study group the other night, one of the girls wished she could be closer to God, but she didn't know how to do it.
I told her I know exactly how to do it:
- Get divorced after finding out your abusive spouse is a liar and a cheater
- Get dumped after finally falling in love with someone else again (for what you believe is the last time you'll ever have to put your heart on the line)
- And then lose your job, the last place of self-worth you had left, because someone has a personal vendetta against you and you have no clue as to why.
- Have all 3 things above happen in the span of 18 months.
Heartbroken.
Wrenching, bleeding, sobbing, on your knees, face in the dirt, guts on the ground, just pleading for mercy from a God you don't really believe wants to help you, but you really hope will do it anyway.
After all the upheaval in my life finally being capped off with losing my job, I could have moved back in with my parents, saved money, and waited to apply to graduate school programs set to begin in the fall of 2011. But I was so devastated after all the pain I'd been through that I felt like going back home to live with my parents would have been a death sentence for me. I'm not going to lie, I thought about killing myself. I could literally picture hanging myself in my parents' basement about two weeks after I moved in. I had the letters written to my family members. I thought it didn't matter to anyone if I wasn't around anyway, no one wanted me. My friends already had plenty of friends who were much better than I, my abusive ex-husband had put too many thoughts in my head of me just being a loser, my ex-boyfriend said he was too afraid of not knowing his own future to care about me anymore, and I had no job.
Well, who cares about a "breath of fresh air" like that hanging around, right?
I thought maybe...just maybe...the God I had foolishly abandoned a few years prior, the One the Bible talks about being very forgiving, might still be there, and He might still care about me. So I decided to pray, and I hadn't done that in a very long time. I prayed for God to give me a sign. I'm not sure it was actually praying as much as it was sobbing and begging. I'd been unemployed and applying for jobs like crazy, and I wasn't hearing anything back from employers. So I asked God if I gave up everything for Him, if I finally decided to not just believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior, but also put my faith in Him as my Good Shepherd -- a God who wants to lead me and protect me -- would He please give me a sign by having an employer call me the next morning? Would He let me know He was listening to me? And I promised, whatever state I got a call from, that's where I would go.
I was putting a mustard seed of faith in God, because that's honestly all I had to give. [Matthew 17:20]
But in the back of my mind I was thinking you're an idiot, because God doesn't care about losers like you. He cares about people who don't abandon Him and don't doubt Him. You're much too far in the other arenas for Him to worry about answering your prayers, and that's where you've always been your entire life. That's why you keep getting abused or abandoned, you're not worth anything.
And then I cried myself to sleep around 11:15 p.m.
9:25 a.m. rrrring rrrring
I pick up my cell phone and see a Maryland phone number. I let it go to voicemail because I'm scared to death. I listen to the voicemail, and it's an employer calling about a job in Maryland. I am in shock. God heard me, and He answered me. And I can't believe it. But I pledged to Him I'd give it all up and move if He gave me a sign, so right then and there I started hunting for an apartment in Maryland and moved about 3-4 weeks later.
I don't think there is one instance I can point to in my life that gave me the picture of who I believe God to be, but I know I've carried this picture around in my heart for years. I know what Job's talking about in the verses above. I know what it's like to believe all of God's wrath and punishment is being channeled in your direction if circumstances in your life are tough and seem unwarranted. To believe that He's just been watching for you to slip up, mess up, screw up in any little area so He can punish you, that's the kind of God I pictured. Kind of like someone waiting to give you a big spiritual slap in the face.
There are a combination of things in my past that put a picture of God like this in my heart: sexual abuse in my childhood, miscarriages in my marriage, all the abuse from my ex-husband, abandonment from my ex-boyfriend, and a host of other things. They all worked together to make me believe I wasn't worth much to God, and God wasn't someone I could really trust. Not totally, not completely. Sure, I could put my faith in Jesus Christ as a Redeemer, someone who died on a cross and saved me so I could go to heaven, but I'd better have all my ducks in a row down here on earth and behave as perfectly as possible, or else there would be hell to pay.
I came to Baltimore hopeful, excited, ready to let go of past issues, aches, and bitterness to just find my way, whatever way that might be. I wanted God to show me that way, I wanted it to be from Him. I truly believed if I followed God's voice, then He would just part the waters for me and everything would be a snap.
It didn't take long before I figured out starting over isn't as easy as it sounds, even when you believe God is on your side. Not knowing a soul, not having a plan, not having anything but funds in the bank that would only last about 6 months, I stepped foot in my new Baltimore apartment and received a phone call telling me the job I hoped for was gone and given to someone else. I kissed my parents goodbye after we dropped off the moving van, I locked myself in my bedroom, and I sobbed like a baby thinking I'd just made the dumbest decision of my life.
I moved away from home, I was lonely and depressed, and things weren't working out for me like I thought they might, so I did the only thing I knew to do -- I turned to God and started a relationship with Him. No more just calling out to Him every once in awhile, no more keeping Him at arm's length. Every day since I moved, I have studied my Bible and prayed, every day, several times a day, sometimes without ceasing -- just one, big, drawn out conversation with God. I decided to seek out a church so I could worship God and find other people who believe in His goodness and grace. Of course, I prayed for God to lead me to a church, whichever church He wanted me to go to. It wasn't long before He did. Other churches I tried to attend weren't very welcoming. Horizon Church was different. Right away, Leslie, my new Bible study/Link Group leader, contacted me and invited me to her group. Everyone was supportive and kind to me when I went. When I finally made it to an actual church service, the friends I had made immediately came up to me when the service ended to talk to me and see how I was doing. I wasn't used to people being like that.
I still am not sure what my future holds. I have had several job interviews and yet have no job. But I believe, more than ever, that this process is God's plan even if it looks to the outside world like there is no plan for my life right now. Why do I believe this? Because these past few months, God has done quite a work in my heart and soul. I don't feel any anger or bitterness towards other people anymore. Most importantly, my heart sees God differently now. I don't see Him as a Judge, but as One who loves me, completely and truly, and will never abandon me even though I'm used to that happening in my life. I believe I suffered abuse, abandonment, and all the other bad things I mentioned because God wanted to share with me how He felt when I abandoned Him to chase other things that seemed more fun or like less work. I think God orchestrated all the events over the past 2 years of my life to draw me closer to Him, to bring me to a place of humility and dependence on him, to make me want Him, and help me see how His feeling were hurt when I didn't care about Him.
For the first time in my life, I can feel God's presence and love. And to be honest, I'm almost afraid of the day I do finally get a job, because even though it can be boring and depressing to be unemployed and single, I don't want to lose this feeling of being close to God. I realize now, not only was I wrong to believe other things and people would fill me up and make me happy without God, but I also thought God was holding me to a standard He never was -- He loves me just as I am, and He wants me to be as committed in my relationship to Him as He is to me. He's been using this time to train me to understand who He is.
At the eye of this storm of difficulties is a place of rest, comfort, and peace that I've never known before. I hope I can stay cocooned within it long after the storm stops raging.
The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. Isaiah 30:18
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